I’ll Tell You My Dirty Little Secrets

It’s been what, like 3 months that we’ve known each other? I think it’s time I let you behind the curtain. We’re officially on a need to know basis, and, well, here are some strange things about me that you simply need to know. 

Wood Creeps Me Out

Have you ever gone to Outback Steakhouse, and they give you those very sharp knives with the wood handle? Yeah, I can’t touch that. Chopsticks? No dice. Just think of all the splinters waiting to happen once you break those puppies in two! Even paper, if I rub it the wrong way I get chills all over. And paper cuts? Worse than any form of torture I can think of. Even emory boards – necessary evil that they are- just don’t sit well with me. This is worse than nails on a chalkboard for me, friends. Call me a treehugger, but if we abolished all forest products tomorrow, I’d be a-ok with that. 

I Have a Fear of Waste and Running Out

I tend to find a pen and stick with it for a really long time. Maybe I’m sentimental or superstitious, but pens and I become close. But I always have this nagging worry that my pen pal is going to run out of ink at any second. I’ll be somewhere mid sentence on an important memo and – poof- I’ll be leaving inkless imprints on the college-ruled page. Panic! Nothing was worse for me in college than when my roommate would (sometimes ask to) “borrow a tissue” and proceed to pull out 2, 3, 4 even 5 tissues from the box- was there even any left? Or Gull, with the toilet paper- didn’t he ever see the Seinfeld episode which clearly stated we don’t have a square to spare? No matter how easy it is to replace things, I find I am a conservationist. 

I Have an Affinity for Free Samples

I go to work conferences a couple times a year, where the companies I cover give out free stuff. Yes it’s unnecessary and gluttonous and mostly ridiculous that I get excited about this, but it’s like being 9 again and receiving birthday gifts from kids you barely know. My time with Konmari has taught me to part with the things I don’t really need, but I’d be outright lying if I told you I didn’t have a couple (ok maybe a few) small bins in my bathroom of toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, hand lotions, face products, and shampoos. And depending on the scent, I like the hotel travel soaps too. I am every consumer company’s dream because all this free sampling tends to lead to eventual purchase.Once I run out of the endless supply of freebies, that is…

I Have An Aversion To Martini Glasses

I don’t care how delicious and chic your Cosmo is or how fun it is to order the Appletini (it does just roll off the tongue), I’m not ordering one. I happen to be extremely accident prone- I lose things (see this post), I am not particularly steady on my feet, and I spill regularly- somehow even when the cap is on. So why would anyone invent a glass that is just daring you to tilt your wrist to the slightest angle and watch your precious self-medication go pouring onto the bar, or the floor, or usually in my case someone’s shoe. Gull loves a good dirty martini but if I’m drinking the hard stuff, it’s on the rocks please!

I Don’t Eat Anything From The Ocean  

This is a big one, and I don’t know why I can’t just fit in with the millions of sufferers out there and claim an allergy. It would avoid a whole lot of questions. But no, I don’t eat things that swim. And yes that includes ocean dwellers that crawl along the bottom as well. I see it as a major flaw, and have self-diagnosed as an actually phobia. Outside of this, I am not a particularly picky eater, but it’s enough that I can feasibly go to a restaurant and find basically nothing to eat. I know it must be delicious, but I’m sorry, I just can’t bring myself to try it. And I love when strangers think they will make me change my mind. I think Gull would marry me again if I just tried a piece of shrimp parmigiana in his presence- so if it’s ever happening, it will be on a romantic date!

That’s not all (but wait, there’s more!), but I can hear you judging me already, so I think it’s enough for today. But let’s all get off our soapboxes for a second because I am hard pressed to believe all of my whopping 57 readers don’t have some strange secrets of their own. I know for a fact we have a few who hate chewing noises, have a fear of bedbugs, don’t close cabinets, and various other afflictions comparable to those listed above. So c’mon, friends- spill!


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