Mama Meltdowns: The 12 Phases Of Misplacing Miscellanies

I’m not a control freak, I swear. I actually think I’m pretty laid back most of the time. But there is one thing that drives me off the deep end, and that is losing stuff. Not just valuables (like the necklace that disappeared on our last trip to Aruba), or sentimental things like my poetry journal from high school, but really anything and everything that manages to disappear from existence. Why does this happen and where does it all go?

I’ve only recently conceded that everything has a place, and have been trying to fulfill that mantra to a tee. Currently I’m trying to train the husband and the kids to follow suit. We’ve made great progress in many rooms of the house. But we still lose a ton of crap. And we lose even more time trying to track it down. Just today, at a work conference- with no one around but me- I lost my writing pad, with an entire day’s worth of notes on a multitude of corporations (not to mention some great blog topic ideas in the sidebars!). And I am ashamed to say this wasn’t the first time I’ve done it. These are the phases I typically go through when something- important or not- goes MIA.

1) Realizing 

Just started the car, or about to fall asleep, or getting in the elevator, or sitting in a meeting, it dawns on me. Do I have my keys? When was the last time I saw that camera charger? Did I remember to grab my notebook? Am I only wearing one earring? Shoot, no.

2) Checking

I have a mighty big purse, let me rustle around. Let me look at that nifty hook/basket we designated. I know I had it last night. I just used it the other day. I know I put them on this morning. No it’s not where it should be. Red flag, since, ya know, everything has a place. Nope, not there.

3) Retracing

Let me just comb over the room again. Take a quick walk from the cafeteria to my desk. Call the bar where I had that extra glass of wine (or 2) before hitting the hay. Email the Uber guy who drove me home. Anyone seen it?

4) Panicking

I’m texting Gull to notify him we have a situation-if he’s not right next to me holding his breath hoping I find this lost item to avoid a melt down. Or I’m outright yelling at him because it’s his keys or wallet we’ve misplaced and if his bedside table wasn’t such a mess we wouldn’t have this problem! My heart is pumping faster, is it getting a little hot in here?

5) Bargaining

Listen, this key costs $200 to replace. Maybe I was ungrateful when Gull gave me that necklace for our 2nd anniversary but it has the charms I got when each baby was born, and those are the trinkets I tug on when I miss them most at work. Those are the earrings Sparrow picked out for Mother’s Day- he beams when I wear them. I know I should’ve put the notes straight into the iPad since I bought the wireless keyboard. I will give $5 to whoever finds it first (sometimes have to up the ante to motivate the kids to help look).

6) Praying

Please just let me find it this time. So I can breathe, so I can go to sleep, so we can not be late to another birthday party, so I don’t have to recall from this here photographic memory everything I wrote down over 9 hours yesterday. Just this once, let someone turn it in, let it just turn up. No questions asked, I swear.

7) Ransacking

This is just getting dumb. I’m emptying out every drawer, throwing away every piece of paper, going through the office garbage, walking back to the bar at 9am in the morning with eyeliner running down my face, harassing the lost and found at the airline, the hotel, the dressing room at Bloomies. It has to be somewhere!

8) Screaming

Things don’t just get up and walk away. I’m organized now! I’m responsible! Why does this always happen??! %*^#(*&%)*(&# (remember, I have a potty mouth, but keeping this blog PG)

9) Blaming

Why does no one seem to care as much as me? Are you actually happy it’s missing? Are you trying to prove something? Why is everyone in my life such a mess? Why did the babysitter not put things in the right drawers?! Did my co-worker pick up the wrong file? Whose fault is this?

10) Acceptance

It’s gone. I guess can get a cheap replacement from alibaba, or call the company and try to get a single sympathy earring. I’ve been eyeing those trendy initial necklaces anyway, and I just saw a promo code online. At least it’s not my wallet this time.

11) Dejection

Why do I even try to be organized? This keeps happening. I’m just destined to lose stuff. Yup, that’s me, A loser.

12) Redemption?

Wait, what’s this is in the bottom of my bag? My notebook? I had it the whole time!? Haha, that’s funny. My mom calls to say my poetry notebook not to mention ALL my childhood writing was in her attic- a miracle! The front desk receptionist sends an email asking if anyone lost a gold earring- tears of joy! (This ending only happens about 40% of the time unfortunately, and very recently a leather store found my lost set of car keys in the torn liner of my purse- only after we shelled out the money to replace them and a mere 2.5 years after the lease was up.)

Finally- Apologizing

Consider this post an open apology to my dear husband Gull who bears the brunt of my mama missing miscellaneous meltdowns. He took the initial hit for that car key (oops, my bad), and has guided me through every episode including that first lost room key in Disneyworld, the stolen wallet police investigation, and this morning’s notebook frenzy. Love ya babe!